Vagina. That is all
Now, don’t get me wrong: being a vampire has it’s advantages. Not the sparkly, I like to have sex with other vampire dudes, sprayed on six-pack, vampire. The
Blade-style, mafia family, kill all your family and feel no remorse kind of vampire. Even Nosferatu would be cool - even though being a 20’s vampire lacks a little
too much color for my diet. All I am trying to say is that being a werewolf would be better than having only two pointy teeth and looking like an ecstasty addicted
raver. Here are a few reasons why:
1. Werewolves have no stupid versions. If you ask a teenie-bopper fan girl what their idea of a vampire is, they would most likely give you some description of a
shiny homosexual that has sex with goats then drinks their blood. If you ask a real nerd, they will tell you a lot of comic book stories of all kinds of ruthless blood
sucking vampires. If you do this, clear you schedule, because you will be listening to said nerd for the rest of the day. And if you ask a regular person, they will you
they don’t give a flying weasel’s fuck about vampires. If you ask people about werewolves, they will tell you that it’s just some guy that turns into a wolf creature on the full moon. No ifs, ands, or buttocks’.
2. Werewolves can have love lives. Actually they can have better lives in general. You can make sweet, sweet love to a werewolf and still maintain to keep your
face and/or body intact. All vampires will try to do is bite your neck and drain your blood. And if you’re kinky enough, you just might let them, you sick pervert.
3. Werewolves can go out during the daytime. Unless you’re Wesley Snipes, you can’t go frolicking through daises in the sunlight. And to go back to point number
two, no afternoon delight. Vampires can only go outside when the drug dealers, prostitutes and drunkards are wandering around aimlessly. The only time our furry
little friends can’t go out, is during a full moon; and when that happens, all you have to do is toss a doggie treat into your oversized dog cage with the doggy bed
that is way better than your bed and let him do his little canine thing all locked away.
4. Werewolves are probably more attractive. You never really see a bad looking werewolf. They’re all ripped from running through the randomly placed woods and
howling at the moon, because that’s what you’ve always wanted to do without looking crazy. You would probably look like Hugh Jackman - and everybody wants a
piece of the Jackman. As a vampire, your looks can vary from Robert Pattinson to Udo Kierr; Brad Pitt to Bill Nighy.
5. Werewolves are there own best friend. If you time it right, you can toss a stick, go all furry and catch it. You can scratch yourself behind your ear and lick your
own gonads. As a vampire, you can’t drink your own blood that would just be redundant. And also really stupid.
In conclusion: werewolves rule, vampires drool. Werewolves go to Mars to get more candy bars, while vampires go to Jupiter to suffocate and die due to lack of
Miss May I - Masses Of a Dying Breed
Im Captain Planet Motherfucker
The Fast Food Super Stack (via Dude Foods)
McDonald’s McDouble, Burger King Whooper, Taco Bell Chicken Flatbread, Wedny’s Nuggets, Burger King Onion Rings and Ranch Dressing.